she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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