Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
