i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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