Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
