you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
