Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
