Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
