Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
