WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
