used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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