guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
