if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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