So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
