Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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