So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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