my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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