Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
