if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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