The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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