just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
