The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
