They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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