Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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