Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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