I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
