I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I deserve this hangover.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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