You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
