how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
