Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I AM VODKA MAN
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
