Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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