I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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