Moan for me like Helen Keller
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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