The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i would one night stand the shit outta him
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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