it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
We had to coat check the pizza.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Your penis caused this!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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