There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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