One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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