my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I smell stomach acid.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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