he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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