I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
