Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
