I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
