Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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