Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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