Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
