You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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