You can't motorboat a personality
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
