well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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