Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
