I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
