Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
it's like iHOP with fire
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
